LifeThreateningLifestyle

2012-02-13T18:54:00.000-08:00

I was lost and in despair, this mind was beyond repair. Waking up with a aching heart, walking around with my mind closed shut. Nothing can penetrate this soul, an armor that I have mold. I tried so hard to make him understand, now I know where I stand. I planned to disappear, just to overcome my fear. I wanted to get lost so I can find myself but instead, I found you.

Every time I see you fall, it breaks my heart. Your crying voice didn't break me, its the sound of your tears falling. It broke my conviction, and all I wanted to do is put down everything and stop being selfish. Put down my emotions and just make you happy. Everyone deserve to be happy, even you.

2011-09-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile and here I am. Usually I right thing's of how I feel in present but for this one, I'm going to tell you what happen and what I experience. 10/09/2011 0310hrs, Sarah came back from Perth for atleast for one week. Saw her, remembered how beautiful she was, how bubbly she is and how she smell's like. Send her home though I don't feel right, was it because I was tired of not sleeping for 2 days? Can't sleep when I reach home, something bothering me. I only felt it when she arrive, when I saw her, did something happen? Theoretically, it's not possible. When to work after which. Night time, drove to Khatib alone. Along the way, sudden rush of mix emotions, lost and confuse, questions to unknown answer. I break down, I literally broke down. Yes, I teared out. All the emotions that have been kept by my mind of numbness finally broke down and I start crying. Driving alone, inside a car, crying. I don't even know why but all I know was it hurt but this hurt is in a form that I can't point the exact location. Not in my heart, not in my soul and not in my emotions. It just hurt yet I can't define the level or explain the pain. Deceived. I keep deceiving myself with my lies. With my optimistic views of things. I can see things that I can't explain but I refuse to accept it, or I make a reason to it. Blinded, and she still mocks me still

2011-06-13T04:07:00.000-07:00

How long do I need to get back up? Why am I not even half way up? It still hurt's badly. I've been through this before, this is not the first time. Not the first time of what? Of getting involve? Of that person go back to their ex? Of that person hurting you? Of me hurting myself? It feel's like god is teasing me. Testing me. I'm never good at god's test. It's like its so close yet I can't even reach, I can't even see it.

For many years, I've been asking myself, been asking my friends, what is love? A word I dare not commit, a word a dare not use to that speacial someone. A word that is divine and must be use wisely. I already know what it means. I know how to use it yet I'm so scared to use it.......

sue me

2011-06-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

I swear this one is different, thats y Imma take her anywhere she wana go,let her meet my friends so they can lecture me again about how reckless i have been

......

2011-05-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we walk around, without realising, things we do cause a chain reaction that effect other's, be it now or the future. We sometimes do things with different intention, different motives. We are sometimes the leaf that follow where the wind blows, sometimes we are the leaf that refuse to follow and sometimes, we are the wind the blows. We always follow other people footsteps, but at a certain point of your life, you are left with a choice to follow or leave your own footsteps. Sometimes we cross the dangerous knowing we will get hurt, sometimes, the journey is more important then the destination, sometimes the destination is not what you might hope for, but we know it's ok. Many hear but fail to listen. Those who listen can understand. Many read but do not understand. Many talk, but do not speak.

Loyalty and respect is important. If your testing my loyalty, then you only succeed in testing my patient.

It's been awhile blogging while smilling and it feels goooooood!

Sue me!

2011-05-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

Why is this happening? Why am I treated like dirt? Do I not have any emotions? Do I not have any feelings? Why does she pretend I'm ok? Why does she pretend I don't mind?

2011-05-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

It annoys me i cant sleep... im annoyed that im actually scared.... shes no longer care bout me..... does she? i dotno... :(

2011-05-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

It feels like shes fading...Feels like shes moving away...feels like im losing her... am i? i feel like theres nothing to look forward too... i feel emotionless now...i feel like crying but i cant...i feel angry yet i cant express it... what happen? why has it become so unfair? it was sooo perfect...i was sooo determined...wat happen to it all? wat happen to my faith? wat happen to my hope? wat happen to it all? wat happen to us? was i blinded again? no, not this one, dat for sure....i wasnt blinded,i didnt follow my emotions...my mind control it all...i didnt folliw my heart...im blinded now...my emotions comes in quicker...have i been holding it in all this while...my patient...its running thin it seems...i hate tripping...i hate getting angry, i hate my rage...i know it runs in my blood...i use this rage to overcome my fear of pain...pain..my rage can never save me from this pain dat comes from the heart...im so acustomed to it that when i use it to heal the pain in my heart,it rage inside my heart begging to burst out....im afraid...im so afraid..i one to be embrace by the dark for in darkness i feel no regret...but wat i want most is....her smile,her sincirity in her hug...her care,her concern,i want her to apreciate me once more...i miss her,no, i miss how she was to me... before this....is this so much to ask for? im left with 36 days left....36 days eh.....36 days left...i dotno wat to do animore, like a miracle she was,i hope she will still be my miracle... am i still the light at the end of the tunnel? do i still make her high in her journey of life?

faith, hope and strength, where have you gone too? please come back. ll, will u return me wat u have given me or will you take it all away?

sue me

2011-05-06T02:22:00.000-07:00

It is so hard that I have all this problem building up and there's no one I can talk to. No one at all. I've been bothered but I don't want to do anything. I'm so messed up now. When was the last time I feel totally in a mess with so much problem building up? It's nothing new, but the fact is there is no one to share with, no one to confide in, no want to console in. No one. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I'm breaking down again and again and all I can do is blog it? Drown myself with games and laughter. Because there's nothing much I can do is there? It's not helping that Nisa don't wana tok bout it and make things better. It's not helping that he got to be an obsesive prick and werk there. It's not helping that I miss LL so much. It's not helping that LL is sad and bothered. It's not helping that Din has a prob too. FUCK LA.. Seriously, fucked up. I'm starting to question and doubt.

I miss LL much. Miss her voice, her laughter, her sight. Miss the way she kill me with my lame jokes. Miss how she jump for joy when she did a new trick. Miss the way she hug me. Miss her smell. Miss her eyes. Miss her wide smile when I suprise her with something. I just miss her so much. I just realise there is no more spontant meet up with her....That's stupid right? hai.....Mayb we can still do it...I dotno...

2011-05-05T00:14:00.000-07:00

Nothing is helping out... The fight isnt helping... The time isn't helping... GE isn't helping... This definatly is not helping....

What else can I do except swallow everything in?

2011-05-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so dissapointed and disturbed. I'm already bothered by other facts and this is definately not helping. It's already damn hard for me and this is not making things easier nor is it helping at all. No it's not helping. I don't know if its the 'No' that is dissapointing or the 'I won't be happy' that is hurtful that is bothering me. So your not happy about it or the fact that I'm reluctant or that I... I didn't persuade I didnt do shit, I just kept quite. I'm tired of convincing and shit.

It is really hard, but I swallow everything and do what I want to do. I don't know what will happen, but I know I'm left with a few days to do what I got to do and be happy. This may be the last time I get to be what I am to be with her and this may be the last time I could be happy because of her. Whatever happens, I know I will look back and say that it was the best 3 months plus of my life. I mean it. I believe in me now, I believe in what I do and I believe in hope and miracle once more.

I'm tired of problems after problems. It's been shitty and it's hard to balance my happiness with whatever I have. It's especially hard that I can't express whatever I want to say to anyone without anyone getting hurt. I'm tired of taking care of people's heart. I just bite my lips and hold whatever I want to say but it's crashing in the inside. Why can't everyone be happy for me for fucking once? Why must either one person not be happy bout anything I do? Why is it so fucking hard to just let me be fucking happy?

Sue me

2011-04-30T11:20:00.001-07:00

She makes me fly high

2011-04-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

I hate good things gone bad when it just infront of you. Something went real bad but I don't know what. I lie, I know. Sometimes I know too much for my own good. Was toking to Din Qad n Zat just now, placebo effect. Is that it? Is it why I'm always right about the wrong things? Sometimes I feel like just running away to a place where there is no problem and trouble where I can do what I want....No...I feel like grabbing her hand and ask her to run away with me to a place where she won't be troubled, where she won't cry... It feel's like I want to know everything about her, her past, her present, her future, her fears, her liking, her dislike. her love, her everything. This sound so crazy. I feel crazy. This is so crazy. I have no idea if I encounter this feeling before. It's damn crazy. It is I swear. Thinking bout what we did, and now, shit. No one has apreciated me as much as she does, I swear. No one has cared for me more. When I do something, a good deed or help, I always feel that's the right thing to do and it's ok because that person need my help, but when I help her or do something for her, I just want to see her smile and laugh. Her 'Thank You' is like a ray of calmness to my heart and she ALWAYS says thank you. This is crazy, this is scary. I know this is crazy, I really do. She inspires me somehow, or mayb I let her inspire me. It's like I regain hope slowly. Hope that keeps us going on. There's no point thinking of what's going to happen or why it happen. I'm going crazy, and everytime I sleep, theres will atleast be a glimpse of her........Shit

I'm I still the light at the end of the tunnel?
Have always been.
*melt quitely*
CRAZY

SUE ME

2011-04-27T04:39:00.000-07:00

Enough Ahmad Mannan. Enough of being weak. Enough of being a burden. Enough of making your friend worry. Be strong. As a kid, you have an IQ of 119. That's above average for an average adult. So now that your an adult, grow up and be strong. You can't always do what you wish. Grow up and be strong. I'm tired of being weak n pathethic, I know I am, so fucking be strong. How bout
that?

Sue me

2011-04-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

Sleeping and keep waking up. Awaken by dreams. It's anoying how she is running through my mind in reality and in my dreams. It annoys me that I keep dreaming of her. It annoys me that I keep thinking of her. It annoys me that I can't get her out of my mind. It annoys me that I've been crying for days. What are tears for? It's pointless. Nothing good comes from crying. What happen to never commit till that someone commit 1st. I'm so confuse...Really I am. I'm saying things that I don't mean. I say thing that I don't want to do. There's a thin line of wanting to do and need to do right? Why is it so hard? I start praying yet it's still dificult. This is so dificult. It's not fair is it? There's no point of keep saying it's not fair cause it won't change any fact. My heart say run, run, cause I have enough of this shit, I have enough of this pain, enough of hurting, enough of crying, enough of this shit call care. My mind say stays, cause she's gona fall, she's gona get hurt again and she gona crash and burn, and she's worth the pain you go through. Why is it so dificult? Why is it so dificult to erase this emotions? Why do I care? What's the point of caring? What's the point of crying everyday and every night? What's the point. I'm not the guy that run away from anything but why do I feel like running away? Running away to a place far away, where no one knows me, where random people keep walking by and dont give a shit bout me but that's ok, cause I don't give a shit bout them. I lost count of the times I said I'm tired but really I am, I'm damn tired...tired of everything. Life is so beautiful but why am I stuck in this ugly side of life? It hurts deep down to the core. I'm cracked once more. I know I can fix it some other day, I know I can stand back up. But I'm tired. I don't want it to be fix yet. I just want to lie down here. I just want to rest. I want to be alone. I don't feel like working, cause when I work, I help fix other people's problem with their endless rumble of pety things that happen in their life.

How can I help you if I can't help myself. Everytime I see you fall, it breaks me down. Everytime I see you smile. it's as if I'm in heaven. I know I don't need you. I know I can live without you. That's the truth. I don't need you to stand, I don't need to lean on you, I don't need you to be strong. I don't need a reason to hate you and I don't need a reason to hate god or life. I don't need you to survive, to live and to laugh. The truth is, I don't need you to be happy. I don't need you to enjoy life. I don't need you...FUCCCKKK!!! Why the hell I'm I feeling this. I DONT FUCKING NEED YOU BUT WHYYYYY, why am I feeling this, why do I want you, why do I want to be by yourside, why do I want you to make me smile why do I want you to make me happy, why do I want to lean on you, why do I want you to make me feel strong....God want's me to be happy, and I want to be happy too.

.......

2011-04-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

We fall because we will stand up and be stronger. We get hurt because thats the only way we can be stronger. We want to fly high because it is fun, we fall hard because we will become strong.

Thank you. Thank you Sarah for making me opening my heart. Thank you for showing me how important I am. Thank you for showing me what it feels like to love myself more. Thank you for showing me care and concern. Thank you for showing me how much god love me. Thank you for everything. =)

2011-04-21T03:27:00.000-07:00

Sign's, read the sign's and uphold your words. Signs have already been layed out to you, you must obey. Things has change so you will change. That is a promise that you has taken with yourself. No matter what, you must keep a promise especially to yourself. Every dust that moves, every leaf that drop, every sentence that is heard and every sound that is made, there is a reason or a sign for something bigger. So here it is. Be strong hold on and do what you have promise to do. Be strong and uphold the oath to yourself. Be strong and show yourself what it means to be you.

SUE ME!

2011-04-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

There is no equation, there is no physics in it. There is a fomula but it differ from person to person. Sometimes the theory is so simple but hard to understand or digest. Science can't explain, it just happen. There is no confirmation only chances but it didnt happen by luck. Sometimes you just got to hold on and fight. Sometimes doing nothing is fighting. I'm confuse but i know what i want to do. At times i just want to hold on till its to late to let go. Honestly, there is never such a thing as too late. You'll never to young to die and you'll never to old to live.

2011-04-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy, damn heavy. Fuck it, what the fuck, what the fuck just happened? I'm bloody confuse, I hate this. What the hell is going on? Why is it so hard to understand? Is it because I'm stupid? What the hell just happened? FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

2011-04-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

3 post within 1 hr, I must really be bored at home, but no, that's not it. I'm listening to songs and relating it with me. Everytime I see her falling, I pray that she's ok. Everytime she cries, I want to cry too. Everytime she's down, all I want to do is try my best is to bring her up, again and again n again. This grave that I dug, I'm suppose to go in, but why am I so scared to do so? This darkness that I am so comfortable to be in, why don't I want to go back? This pain that I am NOT suppose to feel, WHY AM I FUCKING FEELING IT? This tears I'm not suppose to shed, WHY THE FUCK AM I SHEDDING IT? I have already convince myself that one day she will walk away, why don't I want her to leave? I've been in the light and I don't wana go back. I don't wana be numb. I dont wana be emotionless. I dont wana feel nothing. The hardest part is I wana do something but knowing doing nothing is for the best.

I'm like a fucking mirror, I feel what people feel, I hear what they want to shout yet no words come out, I can sense problem coming even before it came, I can sense people's sorrow and problem, I feel people's tears. WHO THE FUCK GONA HEAR MY SCREAMS. WHO THE FUCK CAN SENSE MY SORROW. WHO THE FUCK CAN SENSE MY TEARS?!? FOR THE FUCKING FIRST TIME I CAN SAY THIS IS MY FUCKING PAIN AND NO OTHER. THIS IS NOT ANOTHER MIRROR EMOTION. THIS IS MY FUCKING OWN! I'm tired, I'm fucking tired of clearing people's shit. I'm tired of wearing underwear that doesnt even fucking belong to me and end up having rashes. I'm fucking tired of caring and end up worried for fuck sake. I'm fucking tired of being tired. I'm fucking tired of clearing someone elses shit when Im already burried with my own problem. I'm tired of taking care of people's heart when my heart can't even function properly. I'm tired of hoping for other problem to get better when I can't even hope for my best. I'm tired of praying and wishing for other's when I dont even have faith in my wishes and prayers for myself. FUCK MANNAN...WHAT ABOUT ME!! HOW CAN YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT OTHERS WHEN YOU DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME! Fisherman story, I'm missing the bigger picture, definately I have. SINCERE. I am not fucking sincere in myself. You know what's really my fucking problem? You know what's really been bothering me all this years? You know what's always drag me down? My fucking problem is I FUCKING CARE AND LOVE OTHERS MORE THEN MYSELF!! In my dreams, when I dream I'm alone in that abyss I called paradise, I'm carrying something on my back, I always thought it was a sword to protect myself or cut thru any problem I face. No, it's not a sword. IT IS THE FUCKING WORLD I'M CARRYING. All this while, I've been spit on the face, been stab on the back, been called 'busy body', been called a shit head, a dick head, because when I help someone, I break them down so hard they turn their hatred towards me and all of them walk away. Every single one of them except my 7 good friends. Guess what, 1 more. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FUCKING GOOD IT FEELS TO BE APRECIATED. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW IT FEELS LIKE WHEN SOMEONE APOLOGISE AND FOR THE FUCKING FIRST TIME, DEEP IN HER HEART SHE MEAN IT. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW FUCKING SCARED I AM! I'm not just scared, I'm petrified.

Din & Nisa, I think you 2 are the only souls reading my blog so I just want to say, I fucking love you guys and I know you guys know me the best among all. But, this pain this burden that I've been carrying all this years, it's something I can't share because there is no words that can justify whatever I am carrying, there is no words to say what I want to show you guys. I think of others before me, that's how i roll and that's what you said. It is not easy on me and it has been eating me up slowly. Sometimes it hurts so bad, that all I think is drown myself with redbull and ciggies. I have already know why I met her, I have already learned something bout myself. I, hope, wish, pray, that she is not another learning journey....

I have already forgiven, I already have forgotten. All the emotions come rushing in and I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop. Sue me.

2011-04-13T13:29:00.001-07:00

Got to get me one of this......

2011-04-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

Well...its 0400hrs...guess im home now eh. Don't really feel like sleeping over there. I guess it all went good right? till it all went down in the fucking end. What's new, I'm sleepy now but when I'm on my bed, I can't seem to sleep....Fucking briliant.

Sue me.

2011-04-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking and lately, I rembered of never hate anyone, forgive and learn. But I hate her so much. I swear I never hated anyone so much and for so long. It feels wrong, it is not normal. No she didn't apologise. She didnt even seek any apology. Well, you know, screw that, In life, in our religion and in my principle, we need to learn to be patience. We need to tolerate each other and we need to forgive. To forgive is not divine, no it is not. Hate to tell you guys but no it's not divine at all. It is supose to be normal. I am not divined yet i am ready to forgive. It feels good because we don't hold any form of hate. I dont have any time to have hate in my heart. She's irritating and fucked up but yes, I wont hate her, i will forgive her for what she said. But fear not, things will remain the same. I still want nothing to do with her. :)

2011-04-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking and wondering and reflecting. It sucks being me, because I suck. Problem on top of problem on top of problem and the problems never ends. I'm tired... Damn tired. Yet again I'm writting this imaginary book that no one reads. I'm tired of it. I'll stand at that little corner in the dark for awhile. Let me eliminate whatever I'm feeling for a little while. Let me just reflect myself again. I'm already feeling nothing now. Total oblivion. Lete rest in abyss of my oblivion for a little while. Good things doesnt last forever and bad things wont last either. Maybe at night, I'll get ciggies and redbull and just chill under the sky. Lets, that sounds like a plan.

sue me

2011-04-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

I just realised i can update my blog via i phone. That means I dont need to bring my lazy ass to the compt. Huray to technology! Well its 5 30 am in the morning n I cant sleep. I nd to wake up in 5 hrs time. Sleepless nights I hate you so. I hate trying to sleep. To many things on my mind. My eyes are tired but I cant seem to sleep. I wonder...hmmm. Many people thinks that we are the wind that is blowing the grass to the direction we wishes it to be, the truth is, we are the grass that follow which direction the wind blows. Maybe i'm just tired. Tired of convincing myself. Tired of knowing. Tired of learning. Tired of understanding. Tired of caring.... I shuld take a rest for awhile. It is the best interest of everyone afterall. If i fall, I will make it worth fall, and when that happens,I will do what I always do, stand back up. Now is not the time to hesitate and now is not the time to let emotions cloud my judgment. Now is definatly not the time to worry of what others think for awhile.

PS: It breaks my heart to see her cry and the worst part is, it was because of me :(

2011-04-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

One cycle, here we go again. I remb, when everything was fine and it went smoothly, then sudenly I was caught off guard. Well, till now I was wondering if it was my fault? Till now I don't even know why. The feeling of totally something and sudenly pure nothingness just sickening, makes me wana puke. That sucks yes?

Well I've been thinking... Thinking and thinking. The reason we dream when we sleep is because our mind is thinking. Just like anyone, I can't stop thinking. Thinking bout something, everything and nothing. This heavy heart feeling, how do I different shape it as paranoah or something bad gona happen? The only way I know it if emotions don't cloud my judgement. There has to be another way to know. There has to.

Random words by random person on a random blog reading by random people. Sue me.

......

2011-04-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

Everything seems greener and the sky is more beautiful. I can't help but to smile alone at times. I can't help but be stock for nothing now adays. These days, it have been the greatest day I had! She make's me high, she's my happy pill. =D

It's still a drag.....2 mths 17 days left and counting before she goes off... Life is soooo unfair

Had a talk with mum, well, I told her I knew this girl and i've been very happy ever since but she's gg to perth and I'm scared... She told me there's technology and many people had long distance relationship and been successful..'kalao da jodoh tk ke mane.' Then she said 'Trust her, trust yourself.' Trust myself? After sending mum to werk, and on the way back, I can't help but to smile and shed my tears. God knows how happy I am at the same time afraid. Am I contradicting myself again? I don't want to be in the dark again.

No words can explain how she makes me feel. No words can explain this. No words can tell how happy she makes me. No words can justify her. She's my LL.

We have no idea where we are heading but all I know is I'm heading together with her, as far as our feet can bring us to.

.....

2011-04-04T22:31:00.001-07:00

Okai, lets cut this crap shall we. I guess it is her. Many time's I wake up afraid. Todays is no different, the only different was the fear was greater. This grave that I had dug, let's not fall into it. Let's jump over it, shall we? I can't pretend everything is fine can I? Well this is confusing, I'm confusing myself. This sucks, no, you guys sucks! arrrr...Sue me.

This heart is still heavy.

....

2011-04-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I was awaken by a stupid dream, as in seriously I think it's stupid. That's not all, I was awaken by a super heavy heart. While tried to sleep back but I can't. Something is teribly wrong I can feel it, it's so real I can taste it in the tip of my tounge. Sooner or later I will find out, but the sooner the better. I always wonder am I suppose to help it, ignore it, get ready for it or prevent it. Well, god knows. Sue me

2011-04-03T11:55:00.001-07:00

My handphone died tonight. When I got back home and charged it, I got a a message from her making me smile. She just made my day again. It's damn amazing, yet damn scary. She's amazing but it scares me. I'm easily frightened it seems. I'm scared that one day she would just disapear I guess. Afraid she give him another chance and afraid of not giving us a chance. Afraid of many things. Fact is she be going somewhere for 1 yr, k not really but somewhere there. That scares me too. Thinking to far but fact is everyday I woke up afraid as everyday I wake up is another day closer to that day. It's such a drag. I don't have any more ciggies and that doesn't make anything better! She makes me happy but I'm scared.

Half way story again....sue me

......

2011-03-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to explain what I am about to say but I'm gona say it anyways. It's not that I can't explain but I can't find the words that can describe it.

I don't know if this is a curse, I don't know if this is a gift. I'm sure I'm not the only one having it, I'm sure there is many like me. I can't understand everyone's problem, but I can feel when people broke something in the inside. I can feel it when people is sad. Honestly it can. At time's I feel it alot of times at one go that it freaks me out. I get paranoid.

Someone don't seem to feel not apreciated. Feels like he's going no where, feels like people are stepping onto him. I know it's very unlikely he would read this, but hold on bro. I feel your pain, I really do. Have faith, have hope. Don't let it fade. Never let it fade.

It won't help if I said I know how you feel, I gone through that before. It doesn't matter cause you are feeling it now. I know how it feels to be step on. I know how it feels to not be apreciated. I know how it feels like when you 'break' someone down or lament term assist in their inner struggle, that person will hate you or find you irritating. Most of them just disapear as time goes by. I don't expect them to stick with me through my journey but it do sucks. Really it does. It hurts me to know I'm affected by it.

I'm lost half way. I felt emotionless now so I can't say anything. Ironic isn't it. Am I numb to it? OR am I losing it? Weird.

......

2011-03-25T10:49:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in your life, you realise that whatever you did was all wrong. You realised that you don't want to always make people happy. You realised that you want to be happy too. You realised that you want to be selfish to be happy.

All that came to me when she look in my eye and said, "Is that what you really wanted? Don't say it if you don't mean it."

...

2011-03-21T22:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes the same thing scares me. I got a maximum of 3 months till this journey ends. Maybe it will not but probably it will. I know I will fall in this one. That is why it's so scary. I will probably stand back up but the thought that I will fall is not making me feel better. I'm just enjoying the moment right. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, though I don't feel like I'm doing anything right either. I never learn my lesson countless time. I got a feeling this time when I fall, I need to stand on my own without any help. I just want to be happy and make people around me happy.

There are many things I realise as I go. I'm still learning and life is never ending learning.

I thank god for everything. Seriously I do. The past incident that leads to now. Me getting over it and realise this super cool girl. Though I know its only temp, but I honestly from the bottom of my heart, Thank you god.

.....

2011-03-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

Wow...this is scary...really it is...I'm just scared...I never seem to learn my lesson...What's with me and people in need of help? Or am I just enjoying the moment? I have no idea...ahah...shiiittt...cut this crap.... secretly im :)

......

2011-03-19T05:28:00.000-07:00

Secret crush? Well, it's a crush and I will be crush secretly.

......

2011-03-08T23:02:00.000-08:00

Normal redbull, ciggies and the sky won't make things better and your fucking silence definately made it worst. Your silence won't make this cloudy sky blue again. Your silence is not the rainbow that make's the world beautiful once more. You just can't be bothered do you? Once again effort is brought up by me. Everything is put up to me.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!

I can't barely think. The more I try to get to know you, the more I realize I don't know you. I don't know the problem you face. Please god, show me a miracle. Make me forget her, make her get back to me, whatever, please make this pain go away. I fucking hate commiting. This is what I get for being true to myself.

I can live alone. I was born alone, I will die alone and I will be in my grave alone but I don't want to grow old alone. Someone once told me, my joke made other's happy but it didn't made me happy. Someone once told me I always put others before me. My mum once told me I need to love myself before loving others. What leads me to this? How can I? Everytime I try to find happpiness, everytime I try to love myself, it hurt so damn much. If karma is true, THEN WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL THIS?! I know I was meant for something good, I just don't know what. I love this beautiful world full of ugly people, I love my friends and definately my family, why is it so hard to love that special someone? Why is it so hard to find my love, why is it so hard to love myself?

The hardest thing in life is,
LOVING SOMEONE THAT DON'T LOVE YOU BACK IN RETURN

......

2011-02-17T07:45:00.000-08:00

When a game who really love game and can spend 24 hrs infront of his console or computer playing game have no mood to play any games at all, something is terribly fucking wrong. Something is wrong really. I have done many stupid things before of which no one have deserve it, but I know this is different. I never felt so sure yet I'm so confuse. This is driving me crazy. It's as if she show no effort at all, I'm so hurt. Honestly I am. When was the last time i hear to sad songs and wishing I'm alone at home for the moment. I can't eat, I can't sleep. It's disturbing. When I thought I grew stronger, this happen. I can't believe how this beautiful lady is making me weak.

2011-02-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

I am no fool. I'm not that stupid. I know, I know something is wrong. I just don't know what is. Don't tell me you can't reply because you were friends. We know where you went so just be straight with me. One of the reason I like you is because you are straight forward and your that cool. I felt I was left hanging. Am I a bother to you? Am I nothing but a burden to you? Can someone just tell me what to do? No matter what I do, everything seems wrong. Everything I do it seems I'm being astray. What is going on....Where is the road? Why does everything seems dark? Why am I so lost and there is no one to guide me? Am I suppose to dissapear? Again? My legs are tired I don't want to run. I keep chasing but I can't reach. My mind is tired I can't think anymore. My heart is not even ready, my heart is already tired in the 1st place.

It's been raining this past few days and I dont complain. I like the rain, its cold, it numbs my feelings. It drench me with water, no one will know why exactly my cheek is wet.

I am this pathetic. Confiding in nothing but this imaginary book. This stupid website that no ones read. Begging for a miracle. All my life, I have never seen a miracle happened to me. My wish never came true. My dreams is....It's just a dream. I use to love sleeping, lucid dreams. Dreams that can never happen in reality. Dreams that can never happen and I realize, its just a dream and waking up, looking at my life, it's not even close to my dream. What have I done in my life so terrible that I keep enduring pain when it comes to love? Do I really deserve this? Is love suppose to be pain? What have I done?

The worst part, I'm enduring this pain and she don't even know...............

2011-02-04T00:45:00.000-08:00

Life is full of ups and downs. I felt the ups few months ago... I felt the stagnant few weeks ago....Now I felt the downs. It sucks. Really it does. I can't think straight. I kept thingking and thingking but there is nothing on my mind. It really doesn't help that I have this trouble heart. I want to call but it won't be answered. I want to msg but it will be dead within minutes. Everytime I commit, I end up hurting. Everytime in the morning, I hope today would be the day I get to see her beautiful smile. Everytime in the afternoon I hope I get a message from her. Everytime at night, I hope I get to talk to her and everytime I sleep, I hope I get to dream of her. I don't want this to be another journey. I dont want this to end. I dont want her to be another lesson. Can someone or something give me the strength to be strong. I'm tired and I'm weak and I felt I can't do anything right. She's right infront of me but I don't know how to talk to her, how to look at her, how to meet her. I shed tears many times before, but no one have ever deserve it more then her. I don't know what this feeling is. Why do I always run when this happen but I'm not running away this time. Why do I have to play games? Why must there be games? I already know how I feel but why do people keep telling me to play the game. I don't want to. It really hurts not knowing if she still likes me. I miss those endless smses we have. I miss the nights we talk about everything and anything. I felt that I should leave you alone for awhile, but everyone knows I'm not that strong. I don't have many problems because I keep my emotions away but when my emotions comes out, I cant control it. Does she knows how much she means to me? Does she knows she gave me the strength and she also gave me a weakness?

I miss the hugs we shared and I truly miss the kiss that makes me fly.

2011-01-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

How long was it since I last updated this? It doesn't really matter. This is the place after all I let it out. What is "it"? Nothing, everything.

I've been down lately, half a month eh. It's only half a month. I don't know why, what is this feeling? Why am I chasing? Chase? Persue? She won't run, she won't follow, she won't find. I'm confuse, really confuse. Emotions cloud's judgement but what is this emotion that cloud my judgement? I never felt so sure but why am I so lost? My vision is clear yet I can't see. What am I suppose to do? I'm being stagnant now. Waiting here for an answer. An answer that will never come. Walk away, walk forward. I can sense people's heart, I know if someone is kind and or sincere. I know she is. Paranoah, doubt and jealousy is whats dragging me. Dragging me down dragging me away. I try to hide my emotions but I'm human too. I have emotions and feelings and at times I can't even control. Hold on to faith dear boy.

Sue me.

......

2010-09-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

Depression. I'm having a depression. It is depressing to know that I'am actually depress. It is really bothering me. I've been searching for things now. My body is really restless. Having insomnia. Watching romance in anime? This is really disturbing. It is kind of childish but yeah. The is no more sweet and innocent girls now. Everyone want to be the wild person. Either their body, heart or mind have been tainted. What am I looking for? Sometimes it's really pointless don't you think so. No matter what you do, in the end when you your life end, you will be forgotten just like our ancestors before us. Honestly, it sucks to be afraid. I'm afraid to lose. Not in a form of games, but in a form of life and love. Think back all this while, I had many opportunity that I should have taken but did not. I am really pathethic. I did not take the opportunity that I could have and make all the mistake that I could possibly do. This blog is also pointless. I fear getting old.... I fear if not knowing what to do. I swore to be strong to know what to do and never be blank. When it comes down to that moment, I just, fled.
SUE ME

2010-08-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

Words echoes deep inside my mind. A journey taken, memories stored,life past and we are no different. Inhale and exhale. The sound of your quite beating sound of your heart in this void. I hear scream, I hear cries, I hear agony. No one will listen to it yet I hear it. That is the sound of my cracked vision. The echo of my shatterd sight. Everytime I fall, the only thing left to do is stand up. Stand tall so when I fall, I will fall with pride. This leg was build to stand, this body is engineered to be up right full of pride, this head is place up there to see far and this hands, this hands was born to pull anyone up along the way. This heart is there to touch anyone it pass through and everyone that it looks upon is an opportunity, opportunity to change that dark and bleak sight.

You once told me, "Isn't that a job for a prophet? Why don't you stop being a prophet and just be, a man like you are." If you are reading this, you know who you are, I know that I'm not even a finger nail compare to our prophets. I am sorry my friend, I can't be what I am not. What I can be for you, is a friend that never forget. A friend that will listen. A friend that will hear your cries. A friend that will hit you in the face if refuse to stand up when u fall. I will not stop trying to open anyone's door that I pass but it will still be up to them to pass it through or not. That is why my friend, I hold on to that special someone. She has the ability to push, pull and stand strong. Her ability to see and predict. Her ability to hold her emotions when everything is exploding from inside. Her heart that can walk the path that I walk. You will then ask me like you ask me before, "That what she can do for you but what can you do for her." The answer is simple, I will do nothing, everything. What I am trying to say is that, I will make her immune to her fears, immune to depth, immune to judgement and immune to cheap tears. Every tears that she shed will be her strength, will be her emotions and will be her stand.

This is just dreams and reply to the questions I did not answer. This my friend, is one of the few words that was not said. This is just only towards you, my greatest friend whom I have no shame upon. Immagine towards her, how many questions did I just keep quite? Sue me.

2010-07-22T13:40:00.000-07:00

You are damn clueless of who I am. You are clueless of what I am capable off. You have no idea what your missing out with. You see, everyone I meet and talk too is an oportunity. Oportunity for me to extract ideas, to see a deeper height, to feel and to learn. The path I take will have no destination only endless journey. Your pushing away. I know. I feel. What are you afraid off? Please don't end this chapter as you being another passerby. Another idea. Another impact. Are you not curious on how deep this hole is. Depth, void, nothingless. Yes, basicly, its nothing. Thoughts, idealogy, theory is indeed deep. Store in the void. It is nothing, yet everything. YOU are nothing, but everything. Everything is a delusion, an analogy of dreams, Thoughts before me.

To another book, life is as simple as if you fuck with me, i fuck with you. Is simple as I treat you how you treat me. Simple as you can lie, but a liar will always find out the lie. Simple as if you give me a fucked up face, I give you a fuck up attitude. sue me.

2010-07-16T13:07:00.001-07:00

I forgot how beautiful she is. I forget how her mind tick. I miss talking to her bout random stuff. Honestly speaking, I'm bloody down now a days. It's really annoying. Sometimes I wish it was refering to me. I need to face reality. It's not.

If you can read someone, it is easy to find his/her weakness.

At times I feel I knew but at the same time, I fear not. Maybe I don't want to do anything about it. Maybe I find that your flaws, your weakness, your strength, that makes you, you. You who makes me confuse. You who make me feel. Never have I seen someone's weakness beautifull. I'm still afraid of sleeping. I'm afraid to dream.

You're damn clueless. I wish it was for me. Wishes are just wishes. Sue me.

........

2010-07-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

It happens, just like a new born baby, that means everytime. I am the one that ALLOW people to step on my back. I am the one that ALLOW people to use me. If you fuck with me, then I'll fuck with you. If you fuck with me and still need my help, I will still assist.

Respect is earn never given. You have earn mine and that's all that matter to me. You show me many things and I shall show you things that you never know existed. If I got something, you rather me tell you or me to show you. It runs in the same concept, seeing is believing but never understanding. Understand that I'am no different from the rest, I have hate, I have anger, I have pain, I have suffering, I struggled and still is, but also understand, I am different from the others. I struggle for others, I hate haters, anger makes me hunger, I pain for you, I suffer for you, I struggle for you. I'm loyal to friends and family. I do things with a reason, even if I suffer in the end. Do understand that the rabbit dig a deep whole in my mind. you never know how deep it is until you explore.

Life is as simple as the difference between a pencil and pen, our paranoah, our fear and our phobia makes it difficult.

It still scares me to think. Sue me.

2010-07-10T18:00:00.000-07:00

No songs, No talking, its just me. No one listen, no one hear, so i do the same.

2010-07-10T09:57:00.000-07:00

Why this song? because seriously, it scares me.

The answer is yes. Aku kecik hati. I'm pissed and jealous like fuck but yeah. I don't feel happy one bit for you. Yes I am selfish. I have another personality who hate. I'm hating now. What would I do if I fall down, I would stand up, I will always stand up. What will I do if I feel hate. I look at the sky because the sky is the thing that is above us, above you and me. I would smile yet cry at the same time.

Stand up BOY. WHAT YOU GONA DO BOY. If you feel like shit, and u felt like falling down...then fucking hold on... If you feel like the world is against you then fucking push the world. If you feel fucking obligated to carry on the fucking oblige. Just stop fucking complaining and do what you got to do. I feel she is better then you..then be fucking better. My world is in my hand and no other. My feelings is in my heart and no other. No fucking thing is gona make me change my mind. No fucking entity gona change my heart. I had a goal and I am going to achieve it. So fucking stop complaining and do sumting! fucking retard boy!

k dats random..cheers yaw! sue me!

........

2010-07-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

PARANOAH. I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of paranoah. I hate it when I can't control my emotions. I can't think straight. I hate thinking with my heart. Is it truly beyond my control? Can I not hold it in. It's fun not to be able to read but sometimes its annoying. Somethings are so easy to read, but knowing that person is cunning, you will wonder if that is some kind of plan or I was guided to think it in a another manner that is totally different. Annoying thoughts eh. Exciting yet annoying.

I feel sad, happy, joyfull and troubled heart all together. My mind race through many things that may or may not happen. My heart keep pumping a heavy burden again n again. I don't want to be a book that you will keep and read only when you need to, but I want to be that irritating light that illuminate through your dark times. I don't want to be the music that you listen to when you want to, but I want to be the song that you keep humming inside ur mind. I don't want to be the tattoo that can be erase by a lazer, but I want to be the scar the remains on you forever. I don't want to be the handle bar that you can hold on when you fall, but I want to be the hand that grab you everytime you fall or need a pull. I'm confuse and afraid but I'm summoning all my courage to do this. I felt as if a heavy boulder is pushing me away but I have the strength to push it away together with taps and pets from my friends and family.

I was once in the dark. I was once stuck to the ground. I saw hate pain and suffering. But you shine through the dark and show me my path. You gave me a bump to make me able to move. You make me see joy, happiness, beauty and love. I want to be that light for you. I want to be that force that push you to the dreams you always wanted. I want to be the voice that whisper joy, happiness, beauty and love to you. I will show you the feeling that you were seeking.

HUH WHAT? SUE ME!

2010-07-07T02:05:00.000-07:00

HUNGER. I have a hunger that never satisfy. I want more. I need more. A curse that was given to me. It drives insane but I want more. I like it. My body deserve to be push. My mind deserve to be squeze. My soul wants to rejoice. The world is so beautiful now. The skies is always smilling. Knowledge is beautiful.

2010-06-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

Life is an illusion. Its a delusion. Your mind was manipulated the moment you set eyes on it. Your soul is the very reason why you weep. Your heart is the very reason you fail. Your mind is the very reason you deny. Denial is the art of illusion. Those who deny faith denies life. Those who have false hope deny love. You who do not know the meaning of love will end up lossing terribly. Pathetic attempt. A soul of another is no greater then another. A failure is still a failure no matter how your mind put it as you win. That's why the term "denial" and "optimistic" came about.

Why do people bother with this blog I wonder. It got nothing to do with my life or anyone's. Random thoughts being said to random occasion. A glorious moment for me. Though it sound bleak and sad and in pain. Rejoice for I am not one bit. I felt glorified. Emotions coming in and out my mind open up to everything. When my heart and my mind become one. "Don't think with your heart but with your mind. You can't love with your heart". A wise mom told me. How can one stop the heart from thinking. The answer is open up. Open up your heart but let your mind soar free. Open the door to life and enter with your mind. Let your mind soar to the wind then feel everything that comes in.

Bitches won't understand. What? Sue me.

2010-06-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

All messed and fucked up. I just need something to release this anger. What the fuck I do? I'm not a fucking teen anymore yet I feel as if the world is against me? What up with that? Things that I don't do will still hit me? TO HELL WITH KARMA. Karma dont exist. It's just a reason. An excuse. I swear I won't be bias.

What's wrong? Did I do something to offend or make you upset? What's wrong? I feel that your upset with me. That you're kind of dissapointed? Why? Yet I feel it's my fault. Am I like my bands original title? ahah.....bummer...

SUE ME

2010-06-18T14:53:00.001-07:00

Ape aku uat eh?

2010-06-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

Dreams, waking up from a good dream and knowing it will never come true. My dreams never did once came true. The smiles, the laughters the joy. To think that it's only a fraction of my imagination. All that was my deliusion.

Aku takut, sungguh aku takut. Setiap langkah aku ambil, hati aku kecot. Aku nk sembunyi balik. Tapi aku sudah sangkut dengn matahari, dngn madu, dengan langit. Gua ini bising, terlalu bising. Nyayian malaikat yang tk akan hilang.

Let the world hear my screams. Let the world feel my anger. Let the world feel my emotions flowing like the endless river flowing to the sea. Let the world know that the world does not revolve around me, and I dont revolve around the world.

Let me face this obstacle and the rest are just whispers that is left to dust.

SUE ME

2010-06-09T13:44:00.000-07:00

Its nice to see someone smile, laugh and be excited. Happiness is nice. It heals the world. Laughter and happiness heal the world. I can rant all I want but no one knows except mayb you who is reading this.

Notice the song name is called the secret. Not only is it a nice song but also, I have a secret but I really wish to tell everyone about it. However I do not understand my secret at all. Is it really my secret? I'm confuse and lost by this. A few times I lost my faith. Because I felt inferior. I felt I don't matter. I felt that there's nothing in me. What happen to my ego? What happen to my confidents? INSECURITY? Sometimes when you want something, you got to release the handle bar and grab it if not it will fall and be lost forever. It's either you manage to control it or fall. The fall will hurt but it is only temporary and it will also leave a scar or glory which is permenant.

My mum told me I had a very good judge character towards someone. If I trust someone, she won't deny it, have her faith on me and try to support me. I failed her once though. You see, she see's my good friends and She is happy with the friends I have. She even told me if you feel something is wrong, take a step back and ask your friends for their opinion as they know me. They know how I tick.

If you feel victimize, then shut up and live with it.

SUE ME.

..........

2010-06-08T15:15:00.001-07:00

It gives me joy to see you smile :)

....

2010-06-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Life is a miracle. Yet death scares the hell out of us. Most of us fear death as we know where we are going after death. The handfull of us do not fear because of that. They fear for losing their loves one. Not able to see them. Not able to tell how their day is or how the loves one dat was. Missing the sharing of knowledge. We take million of steps in our life but only our loves want will be intrested in every single step we took. Live life with no regrets

Sue me

2010-05-29T15:19:00.001-07:00

I can't seem to sleep now adays. I love to dream but my dreams never come true. To dream yet knowing it never came true. Lately I have been thinking. Someone told me, don't think too much. How can I? I'm always thinking about you. You who makes me worry. You who bring me smiles. You who give me knowledge. You who cheer my days. The reason my heart skip a beat whenever my phone rings hoping it's you. You who gave me hope. You who gave me faith.

Someone told me to just tell her. Tell her...Tell her? At times I wonder what stopping me from just telling? I wonder.

What is love? Love is build with not hope, not faith, but build with time. I build hope faith and trust in many of my friends, be it of different or same gender. Time will tell what kind of love it is. The love of my family. The love of my friends. The love of that special someone. Time will tell what kind of love it is. Sometimes I grow confuse, sometimes I wonder. I walk without any regrets, but I wonder at times. I confess that I do regret things that was not said or go unknown. Time will tell how much I love myself. Time will tell what is love. L.O.V.E = Lost on vast emotions. Does that make sense? I am the lost. Why am I feeling this.

Huh? what? who? Sue me?

2010-05-22T11:01:00.001-07:00

I just watch a movie that I did not finish few years ago. I found it as a sweet movie. Make me remember the time I always go "awwwww" in this kind of movie. It was nice, how someone can really be there for you, how she can support you and push you on ward. I have always been looking for that. Love eh, always find that theres no such thing as pure love. There is always our own benefit to our action of "love". That this movies are just made believe fairy tales that did not exist. But whenever I see my 2 best buddies in the world, Din and Nisa, then i feel that there is such a pure love. True love does exist. That I too want to find this pure love. I'm recklessly finding and it getting futher from where I started.

I need a girl who is there for me. A girl who will cheer me up when I'm down. A girl who makes me smile when I'm frowning. When I'm down and afraid to cross the road, she would just tap me from the back and say, "hey, just cross the road and don't be afraid, don't look behind just look forward" A girl that is tough enough to give me a kick in the face and say "hey, stop being a pussy." With all this action, she do it with an open heart and putting a smile on her face.

In the end, I'm just like a normal mere man who bleeds when stabbed, who laugh when amused, who frowned when got upset, who shiver in fear when fear stare in the eye, who shed a tear when emotion's build up.

I desire this feeling, and I got to admit that it is empty. Im confused and afraid. At the same time Í'm tired. Im seriously tired of this. I dont feel im moving in the right direction.

I wish I could just tear my chest apart and dig out my heart and show you what I mean litreally. This feeling that I do not understand that I actually. God give us and only us feelings of love for a reason. I am afraid of love. For I am afraid of one sided one. I'm afraid of endless finding and endless failling. I try and I fail. I try and I fail. I know true failure comes when I really stop trying but yet...I'm failling terribly.

Someone once told me, tough love. Very agressive yet very cute and touching. That she too is finding the meaning of love. I really wish and hope and pray that I can show her that. How can I show something that I do not understand or I do not know. How can I teach sumthing that I fail to understand. What am I feeling, why am I feeling this. Trying hard to help someone but in need of real help......

I know this is all mushy and emo shitty..but..sue me.

.....

2010-05-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

Can you hear the whispers? Whispers of the wind, begging to be helped. Can you hear the atmospheric changes? Can you feel the endless emotions screaming around? Hectic, it's so hectic. Sounds of a thousand silent screams. It's too noisy. We are to noisy. We are disturbing the trees and the breeze who is asleep. They want their rest. All we do is complain. The trees that live years before us and before our parents, yet they stand in silent not complaining at all. They whisper to us, they whisper for us to keep silent. Enjoy our journey and enjoy peace. Enjoy happines and enjoy nature. We are indeed the damned.

2010-04-30T05:08:00.001-07:00

I feel like screaming. I feel like shouting. I do not know why I am here. I do not know what am I doing. Honestly I do not know my purpose of existance. I have indeed gone soft. I feel sad now adays. I feel pity. Sympathy towards the rest. Faces that is not suppose to be there. I see them. I see their faces. Smilling at me. I feel a rage burning in me. It is neither hate nor love. As my time stop in this oblivion, the world around me progress. Time wait for no man. Yet I am waiting for time. While I ponder, more thought came before me. Let me be heard. Let the cries of my soul be heard. Let me turn into glass, and let it break while the sound of the shattered glass be heard by all. Let them wake from this worldy pleasure and see throught the transperant glass of lies and deceit. Let my last breath be the one that awaken everyone from dreams and fantasy of this world. Let the faces disapear into dust. Let the dust be the one that awaken me. Let it all end and for once, please god, let me be heard.

.........

2010-03-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

I will try to change this skin...TRY...

Life is an endless learning journey. A journey of teaching and learning. At times, we don't even see the lesson that needed to be learned. That's life. I have once lost my thoughts, my dreams. It was scary. It's like suddenly, you were blind for the very 1st time. What was more scarier was that, you didn't even realize you were blind until the end. Everyone is trying to be obscurantism. I got to admit, even me. Who isn't? We try to be so hard to be different that the real difference is our similarity. I wish someone could just tap my back, and say, look, why are you hesitating? Do you want to do it? It's not easy to do it. No one listens. This place is wrecked with delusional corpses. Empty shells with no souls. No heart. The that person will say, "Let me the one the listens"

Will you walk with me through this journey of no return.

What is this all about, sue me.

......

2010-03-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking of this situation of dilemma I'm in. Honestly what others think about it doesn't matter one bit, as long as my heart stay true. What I'm worried about is what my close friend might think about me. Even in Batam I was thinking. Din reminded me of the fisherman story. As long as I do it with my heart, out of sincerity, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter as long as in your heart, you know its the right think to do. That also reminded me of the time I once said, "I will stop at nothing to change this world for the better. No more hate, no more pain. I shall start with the people I can get close enough." I can't help but try to fix anyone who is broken. In the end, I will be the one that will be encumbered by the very burden I tried to fix. I don't mind carrying everyone's burden as long as they don't need to carry it. Din once told me, "have you tried to be a man? Don't be a prophet." Am I really trying to be one? There will always be choices for me tho choose, choices for us to choose. Truth will be known by few, and misinterpreted by many. That is life, a life I choose. Ironically, many will say "I know" when they don't get the big picture. One little kindness will impact his/her life to do kind deed and that kind deed will impact another person's life for the better, there will always be this exceptional idiot who will ruin it by taking advantage of the good deed and ruin the chain for a better world. That is why, the most important think is,"fisherman story", the heart must be pure and sincere. Even when someone took advantage of you, it does not matter as you do it out of good will and never expect anything good in return. In fact, I expect shit to come my way. That being said, I guess I shall do what I can to help.

"Everyone have their problem, everyone have the same problem but different." Wise words from a very wise friend. Cheers mate, I'm sure you're going to pull it through like you always do. I'm sure of it and pray for it.

Those who does not understand what I have just said and in fact waste 10 minutes of you miserable live, so be it...sue me

....

2010-03-06T10:28:00.000-08:00

New song, one of my fav song since....last time?ahah Ok i know i want to change the skin, but who's really keeping track aniwaes?

Three more days till we're going to our trip. It will be our 1st time going as one eh, hope we have a blast. So all 6 will be going since nisah's issue have been resolved. Make it happen!

What am I doing? This is not meant to be happening. Let's look back, back to 1999, Primarry 5 eh, I had an ambition, a very childish ambition. Keep this world peaceful. So my career have been set, really? Year 2001, a new world. Time pass to quickly that year. No time to think, my imaginary friend, inner self, "adik" he was called by me, he disappeared. Never reappearing till now. 2002, friends,ahhh, beautiful friends. We tried enjoying but it was different. 2003, my brain start to function like a partially retarded moron. Without a care to the world, I am the world. 2004, start seeing truth slowly. The world is dying, we are dying. I need a plan.... Another ambition kick in. To change the world. To change from this wrecked world of war and hatred to love and care. When I hit a certain level, I knew I will start working, it's going to be more work for me to do. 2005....the year that everything change. My "enemy", arr... came to me with a prob...well he didn't literally came to me with his problem, needed few persuasion and digging till he told me everything. Ironic eh, trying to help someone who I dislike. More ironically, after that, we became closer and we became more then friend. NOT A LOVER YOU FOOL. That's when friend became enemy, enemy became friends, close friend "persatuan". That is also the year I questioned my self, why do good people get shit tings and shit people get good things in life. That questions was answered by a total stranger. Showed me sincerity. Early 2008, my life altered, I was drifting away from what I intended to do. Late 2009, it came back to me. I have things that need to be done, I had a personal oath that need to be done. Change those who is around for better or for worst. As long there is no more hate. Just care and sincerity.

HUH? WHAT? SUE ME

............

2010-02-20T12:03:00.000-08:00

Well, It's good to hear a familiar voice. It's always good to hear that voice. Life is funny. Life is a joke it seems. Weird how things gone by just like that and in the end, we are back in the same journey we took years ago. My imaginary friend had disappeared a very long time ago. The one that question my very own existence. Till date, I have no answer for that. I'm still journeying into another oblivion once again. A question of my very own existence. Do not misinterpret my words, I question not because I hate, not because I do not want, I question because that is what we should know. God created us a brain for a reason, a reason to discover your very own existence in this life, your very own path. Will you be the one who leave a footprints, or the one that follow the footprints. The choice is always ours to choose.

Some may choose to ignore this words, some may choose to criticize this phrase, as I said, the choice is yours, you were never obligated to listen to anyone. It's your choice and many will not choose the right but instead the wrong. We are corrupted. We are dying. My people is dying, not my religion, not my race, not my family. MY PEOPLE, human race, we are dying my friend. We dare not question ourselves to the action we do. We do not dare to think of reason of doing the actions. We are stupefy. Indeed, purely stupidity.

Choose your path wisely, or you can choose not to choose your path, SUE ME

2010-02-09T10:07:00.000-08:00

Time past quickly, so fast have I come this far. Time shall wait for no man, it's as if the sands of time have gone faster. Soon later, I will realize i have gone old and fragile. Waiting for it to happen. Time past way too fast. Let's just walk slowly to the end of the journey, enjoy every moment of the step, the view, everything. Time progression remind me of the limit of mine.

2010-02-06T08:52:00.000-08:00

Some people doesn't know the meaning of "I don't care." Some people don't know the meaning of "seriously, I don't care." and some people obviously don't know the meaning of "Do I look like I care?".

I have a very reliable source which I don't ask for, the source told me regarding a certain entity that felt the spice after eating the spices. As my earlier paragraph stats, I seriously don't care. There's nothing that I need or want from that certain entity anymore.

Of too a different matter, pictures shows a thousand words, words are meaningless now. To see is to believe, to believe is never understanding. What do you understand regarding a picture of a thousand words?

What the hell am I rambling about? Go figures, SUE ME.

......

2010-01-26T10:53:00.001-08:00

FINALLY, I'm bored with this skin. Perhaps I should change it into a different theme, but what? What's my theme now. What thrill me. Knowledge? It's getting dull, nothing is appreciated. What symbolize never ending pursue of eternal knowledge? Total nothingless, pitch black void deep inside the abyss. Faith? Faith that you never get swallowed inside the darkness? Color, the exact opposite of what you are always are is total abyss to me. Oblivious to what it represent. Oblivious to color. Nature is blessed. The external beauty calm's ur mind and pleasure your eyes. Internal beauty of nature take over ur heart, sooth your soul and burst of never ending possibility or facts of life....BEAUTIFUL... mind is got greatest nature of endless possibility of thinking...

Kids now a days should really appreciate their youth. I am still young but I miss my youth. There they go wasting it....for what they seek is thrill and reputation. Reputation is earned by countless possibilities. Reputation means nothing to me.

.......

2010-01-21T09:36:00.000-08:00

Words are just words and words can't kill. Words are just words and words can't hurt. Words are just words and words don't feel. Words are just words and words don't hurt.

An idea is nothing without an action. The action is nothing without the follower. The follower won't follow without the symbol.

Word's implying an idea that does not have any action and any symbolic value, I will not follow.

Word's implying an idea due to previous action caused however the symbol not valued, I will not follow.

Word's implying an idea die to previous action caused and the symbol is great, the symbol is you, depending of the words said implying to an idea, I may or may not follow.

Symbol is of the essence, the symbol is nothing without the followers but an idea is nothing without a symbol. If the symbol is great enough or strong enough, words or idea that bring you further from the symbol, might not be heard at all. SYMBOL is everything.

What is symbol? What is my symbol? Where is my symbol?

Confusing? Doesn't make sense? Well, what you going to do? Sue me?

.....

2010-01-21T03:56:00.000-08:00

It kind of shitty when u miss someone, u try ur very best yet the feeling come and go. Can I not just see u for awhile, from a distance, u will never notice me. I want to see your grace, your smile, U dont have to know im here. Just watching you from a distance that u won't realize.......

FUCKING STALKER

ahahah....k shit, pretty random. SUE ME

.....

2010-01-18T05:38:00.000-08:00

I scrap my previous post as i found that there was technical error on it, perhaps it shall be raised up one fine day, and no one will know what it means.

There was a time that world was beautiful. There was a time that everyone felt appreciated and needed in this world. As you grew, you see the pollution in the world. You will slowly get swallowed in the darkness that consume this world. Truth is, this world is not as bright and full of hope as we think in our younger days. As you grow old and weak, so does your ambition.

Invisible entity of pure fear rage inside me. My ignorant does not allow my heart to feel this fear, it stays hidden, it stays real. Forgive me for my self righteous fear that consume me. Fear of nothing, soon you will realize, nothing is everything.

Crawl from this pitiful excuse of man.

Doesn't make sense? What you gona do? Sue me.

....

2010-01-09T01:42:00.003-08:00

I have already changed back...for those who didnt notice it, i am sorry.ahaha, aniwaes, ONE LUP!

..........

2010-01-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

Assumptions, assumptions. Pathetic amount of assumptions that dwell in the mind of many. Speak with assumption, speak stupidly, pathetic attempt to know the truth without trying. Hint's of life is never noticed. Hint on doing is long forgotten. Old body, young mind,stagnant thoughts, life is so pathetic. Not mine. Others.

Words that make no sense, words that think one is superior. Emotions rage in heart, seeing not the truth but delusion. Lost in on your own, not knowing what to do. Release this emotion pathetically, in hope to hurt the source of this emotions. Pitiful, so weak. No plans, no idea. Just trying the luck that does not shine forever. Pray for curse, pray for death, pray for pain, pray for suffering. In hope it come's true, but one tend to forget, why would god do that?

Thought's, thoughts, random thoughts.

You can't be both a sinner or a saint, as miracle from god won't happen to you, gift from devil will not come either. You end up suffering, all you have is hope and faith, and heart, heart that will try as far to hold to what he believe. What if what u believe shattered in front of your eyes. Don't expect for a miracle, don't expect for smile of devil. All you can do is smile, eyes stoned, heart heavy and soul shattered. As merciful as god is, as the stars smile across the endless skies, an angelic aura could be felt. A inspiration of thoughts, a void of endless knowledge. A set of new pair of eyes to see logically, a set of mind to think diplomatically, a tongue to speak tactfully, heart to feel reasonably, touch that can feel the wind, tree and air once more. The thought of not being able to read this aura, it amuse me I can't read, it's interesting, though it's killing me, yet it's interesting. You amuse me.

.....

2010-01-03T08:06:00.000-08:00

Many things doesn't matter to many, many things doesn't matter to me.
You are as precious as me. Don't assume that i state you are precious, your as insignificant as me.
This odium that i have, it comes it goes. As long as it don't linger for too long, it is fine.

.........

2009-12-30T23:45:00.001-08:00

Well, songs, why is it this type of songs? Let me tell you a little story. Well..I was working, no thumb drive, no cd, so I just took my father's karaoke cd bag, and yea..listen to them..ahaha..well... i got to admit i past my time very quick. It's not that bad eh...Sounds J-pop, j-rock? both are still asians?ahaha..o yea...some songs i dedicate to some people..wahahaha...go figures!

Aku adalah kamu, kita adalah satu

.......

2009-12-27T23:24:00.000-08:00

Saw a retarded child laugh, it annoys me. After which, the sight of fist bash on this poor kid's face. A sight that did not fail to amuse me nor did it fail to give me a smile. The child then drop on the floor, shouting to this child together with numerous number of kick and punch that soon stopped like a ocean's endless wave to the sands. Wished it didn't stop. Why did it stop, carry on. Let's see this pathetic entity know what suffering is. The earlier he find out, the earlier he grow up. Soon I know why it stopped. The child was pathetic. The child just sobbed begging to end. A pathetic sight that doesn't even deserve a fist to be stained by it. Don't even deserve my glare to it. Don't even deserve to be heard. I soon realized, my life is not that pathetic after all. Some people deserve to suffer. Some people is asking to suffer. Some, just want to suffer.

.......

2009-12-23T03:16:00.000-08:00

Was bored, so decided to go cycling at ECP.... must say it was quite nice...Beautiful wave clashes against the beach, sound of the wind breeze brushing across your face, random people talking random things from random distance, sound of retarded children laughing and playing around

Why am I lost..Why is there no light
Why can't I find the words to say
I can't find the meaning to show
This is the time I feel weak
My mind have not awaken
I'm just waiting till it can soar once more

Hmm..Drifting away, your trying to move and drift away...I can tell....

Sue me

2009-12-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

mind...games..playing games with the mind...after a long slumber of the mind....I lost myself....Controlling from the heart...expression control by the heart...the heart can't think...the heart cant think logically... it can't think rationally... emotion's engulfing my tots...my slumber has come with a great consequence

An endless clash of the wave...sounds so beauty...sight so significant... a view that calm oneself.... as the wave battle an endless clash of the sand...Endless impact....Wave in it's chaotic state...never to be calmed...No matter who you are...no matter where you come from, though you will say what a pity... you will always be eased or enjoy another person's suffering

2009-12-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

A beautiful lyric from a beautiful song. Meaning so meaningless yet many lesson to be learn:

White Pearl, Black Ocean

I was born and raised by the sea, shy yet proud,
Learned to stay away from the crowd
In my home, my lighthouse...
101 steps, round and dound
New Years Eve, one night in the town
Can change one life into eternity...

All I could see, her eyes,
We got caught in the moment, all of the night
Taken beyond all lines,
In silence leaving 'em all behind

She had found the sails, for the following night
The town, for her, was getting way too small
She promised to be mine
Forever, ... for that one night...

Moments, passion, small defeats
Concealed emotions, found in me
"You gave life to a brand new me..."

Crossing the wintry fields,
The first hour of morning light
Warmed by the flame inside,
The lasting memory of the ending night

I never had a chance to stop what hit me...
What broke my bones and mauled me...
After hours of deep, unwilling sleep... in a cold shelter
Fell back in the dark, and the hours of the day passed...

A nightmare awakes me, blinking light!
There's no guide, blind ships in the night
Oh blood red moon, eat away the night

Darkness covers my lonely soul,
No one to feed the dying light...

Good morn', oh dreadful day,
I prayed the moon had lit the sea instead of me...
For the sails of night,
"Please tell me everything's alright..."

My voice in the room broke the silence,
Everybody killed me with their eyes...
What I was to hear made the people cry,
Impossible for me to keep the tears inside

"All on board the White Pearl have died,
Coastal reef have tolled their lives
And you are the light of the night..."

One thing, I remember, before I fell on the ground...
Although I never saw the face,
A name was inked in his arm...

Love can be like poetry of demons, or maybe
God loves complex irony?
The family name stated I had seen before...
Written on her front door...

"Silence in the courthouse!"
A presence in the room, we both could feel
The father of her unborn child and me

All on board the White Pearl have died,
Coastal reef have tolled their lives
While I was the guide light...
Back in my tower, run, run, run
Light is out, I hope to see
Black oceans beneath rise and swallow me

One step will take me back inside, another sees my end
No one can love a man who guarded the light,
(Guarded the light, one faithful night)
Flaming eyes I must confront before I am stated free

Defining innocence is hell, after all that has past...
Building new walls inside my eternal night...
Although they took my heart and dried me up
Sometimes I still bleed...

Show me the way (show me the way)
The light will show me a way on the grisly reefs
Too many dead ends I see
No soul can save me
The respect I lost, the measure of a man...

1000 steps down, round and round
One night at the town and I'm hell bound
Black oceans beneath come and swallow me
All on the board White Pearl had died,
Coastal reef come claim my life
Black oceans beneath come and swallow me

My little tower, seal my fate
Help me pay back, end their hate
Black oceans beneath come and swallow me
One direction, down, down, down
Pitch black night for my old town
Black oceans beneath shall now swallow me

Had a good long thought's and talk with my best friend today...Maybe I should turn back to myself once again. Lets be me. May YOU help me along the way, I hope. Let this self pity dry, let this self hate be destroyed, let this lonesome stranger be helped, let the people know there are such people. Lets be the person who finish last, as nice guy finish last :)

2009-12-19T10:20:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow is the big day, but mayb i dont want to sleep....mayb i dont want to past the night quick...mayb im afraid im going to miss this...I am indeed going to miss him man....So sad..so caught up with my own tings...i neglect my family..i neglect my fav bro....its so sad that we bro get along real well towards the end of this...decided to buy PS 3 with our money together...buying games...nt cause we love it..cause each other love it...watching movie going out together.... talking about our dreams and racing who will reach 1st.... i still remb when we keep it real...he was the drummer..i was the bassist...and friends to make up the band...my 1st perfomance was with him... It was great...real great...I look up to him...he influence me i must say... for those who know me...im not easy to influence...I am being selfish i guess...Dont get me wrong...Im really happy bout him...indeed! his happy..that's all that matters...that's how it have always been! through thick and thin, family will always be there... Let ur new journey begins bro... I will always support u till the end...i love you despite anything....this is FAMILY

......

2009-12-19T01:36:00.001-08:00

NIKAH.....abg ku da nikah.... maut peh...ahaha

....

2009-12-18T19:11:00.000-08:00

Let me start out with a bit of history, a not very so much too long time ago, yesterday, I was humming a song, wolf and raven by Sonata Arctica. I suddenly have this craving to hear that song. I must say, it was superb. An old song that still leave me amazed. Then a pinch of Hades, a half table spoon of lai lai hei, and a bunch of verikansan. There is other ingredients that was added but ofcourse, it's a secret recipe, no not the restaurant. SUPERB. There goes a night of songs of ancient times.

Hän katsoi maan reunalta tähteä putoavaa
Nyt kauniit kasvot neitosen peittää karu maa
Jokaisen täytyy katsoa silmiin totuuden
Sillä aika ompi voittoisa, mut' tämä maa on ikuinen

P.S My brother can officially get laid toNITE

.....

2009-12-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

Well, let me begin to tell you about a little history, not too long ago, as it has just happened yesterday. My best bud and I went SHOPPING! Wahaha... Even a guy nd to pamper himself with a little shopping you know...Don't ask how much I had spend cause even I don't want to know...ahaha...when was the last time we had so much fun? We can always release some stress by a little shop-ppiing! k dat sounds gay..ahahah...most importantly...I got full set...ok go!

Though it is outdated and it's oready 16/12/09....but let me get way back to 5/12/09....my best buddies gave me present's....worthless to many, priceless to me.....firstly..... a bag of toblerone chocolate from Nisah, hand written happy bday.....sweet sweet chocolate...a mataphor of the sweet2 memories we all had and will soon have....A squashtap from din, hand written happy bday....a squashtap to gather back everything that has broken into pieces...mend it and tap it back alltogether....a padlock with a combination code from Qader....A lock to my heart that he knows the code...and when I am ready he will unlock it...Lastly, 1 packet consisting 20 ciggys of winston reds by Yadi...hand written happy bday....to symbolise even in bad times....we will enjoy the small tings in life.....cool fwens eh...that's why.....they are nothing.....everything

Dreams, dreams, dreams. A dream that I wish not wake. A dream that I enjoyed every second every minute. I had that dream again. It's the sweetest dream. It's the greatest dream I ever had. Whenever I woke up, shiver chill up my spine. A slight pinch of fear rush into my veins. I love this dream but do not wish to dream about it. Dreams never come true doesn't it. It's scary how I could dream about it. A beautiful dream, waking up thinking it's a nightmare.

Oni

2009-12-11T01:44:00.000-08:00

Since i have something in mind now...let me let it out before i forgot and before i go out...yes it rhymes...i'm a hip hop gangsta actualy

There's is sumting burning once more in me...burn and burn...now i know wat's the source of this burning feeling that i have lost..I understand y it exist....It's a feeling u wont cherish...it's a feeling u hate...It's a feeling I enjoy...A feeling the acompany me for some time...The worst part of this feeling is when u have it...that person doesn't know..that person doesn't know i exist in that's person' world...I won't tell cause wishes to be in peace..wishes no fite..wishes no arguement..wishes no guilt from that person

So wat the hell is this feeling? No..it's not love..I do not understand what love really is...then what is it? go figures..wat u gona do? sue me?

2009-12-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

An expression I wish to express, but I can't find the word's in my vocab to explain this expression, and no action that I can do show what this expression so I will just keep this in me till I find the right moment and words to say

19 - 20 dec, my bro is getting married...wow...it's getting closer....i know im going to miss him man...hmm his moving to jurong..dats like at the end of singapore..ahah..sux..
Hope those who is free...feel free to come to this very harmonious and rejoiceful moment whereby my brother is getting married!

19/12/2009 - Nikah
20/12/2009 - Kahwin
MATIN & NADIAH

Oni

2009-12-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

I will try my best in updating a happy post in this one...though my tone may be dull..that is normal because i am tone deaf.....well....today jammed..though it wasn't what i expected but it was ok la kan...had fun...been awhile since i jam for 2 hours...can say i was pretty tired after it.....but it was fun nevertheless..ahah...blisters on my fingers...a sign of not playing the bass for quite some time..ahah...it was awesome..hmm...I cant seem to find any happy words in my dictionary of words...due to my limit of english vocab..ahah... mayb i should put a :) in my post to make it happiar?ahaha..k I am actually bored and have nothing better to do.... due to the combution of the sun rays igniting the ground's core to it's crust..thus causing a great explosion...thereafter cause smoke and that is why there is global warming hence the great warrior from the easten did a dance of the rain therfore there was rain once more.....yea.....wat u gona do? sue me?

2009-12-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

Don’t forget the fisherman....

There was a boy, with questions in his heart
Endless questions that has no end
A knowledge is what he seek
From this world that is full of grieve

There was a fisherman whose generation is now forgotten
While many fish with nets
He fish with 1 old rod
An old timer he was even back then

As the boy repeat the unanswered question
His heart crave for something he never knew
This annoyance and hatred in his heart
He condemned the world for the grieve they have cause

One wish he posses
For humanity to end
Earth is sinned
By our on doing

Life has a funny way to reveal itself
Through the web that entangle us all
Comes the same old timer that is outdated
He came to the boy asking for help
To enquire a simple technology that he is not aware
This technology unknown to him call internet

As the fisherman laugh at this invention
As how he fish without net
With 1 he caught 5
With 3, another fool got none
Just like a question’s been lingering in this boy’s heart
With a smile the fisherman said “the heart must be pure”

As this stranger left
Was how sudden he came
Unknown to the stranger
He has saved the boy

The question his heart no longer linger
A question of simple answer
Why should the rest suffer?
For the glory of one
Why should one suffer?
For the glory of none
Why should he suffer?
For anyone

He has not turn into petty fools
Self-centered being he has avoided
5 word sentence
is all he need
An old man theory
That save the boy
1 ambition he has
Sincerity is what he seeks

That is a story of a fisher man
Even through generation gap
Fate manage them to intertwine
Funny how 5 random words
Means the world to some
As the boy grew
He had not forgotten
How a fisher man
Managed to save him

Oni

2009-12-05T12:49:00.000-08:00

4th of december...2nd off...no plans...everyone have their own plans...asking 1 by 1 for a lepak session...1 by 1...last min change of plan...decided to just chill with my best buddies...in the end..1 by 1...cant..those who can..is late...going toa payoh helping mum...in the wee hours....why did'nt i see it coming?

hang out at a friends home..playing game..playing guitar...best friend came..instead of discussing our song..played tech deck...really pissed...2nd off going down the drain..anoyance of every little crap that happend that day...bored...boredom get the best of me

2350 hours....need to go to the toilet..you just wore ur sock..yet u need to go to the toilet..instead staring at the window...I just need to smoke for awhile..quickly take ur piss then we go pollute our lungs....

0001 hrs....5th dec...things went real queit...going downstairs yet wearing shoe...it's just down stairs..dont waste any time...this mind is bothered..it;s tired....

0015 hrs....a known figure was seen...another friend...hand started to shiver...."ape korg uat kat sini?" huh.....what the.... 1 by 1..they came up..with a cake...hand shiver harder...can't control my own muscle...this tortured day had gone to a hell of a suprise...a nice happy suprise...priceless

This was the best suprise I ever had...The best part was...i didn't even expect it to be..honestly...so many clues ramp into my face...yet i didnt even get a hint...those who saw my reaction and my face...can only truly tell that i didnt expect it to be this way.. beautiful beautiful friends...friends from way back...The most suprising thing was that...someone who declared herself "outsider" was even there..hand shiver more upon seeing her...wow..touching..

Sat down...ate the delicious wonderfully beautiful cake... they gave me cute little presents...meaningless to many... the world to me....the saboh king came...my attention was drawn to him..my eyes was on him for any funny reaction...while talking still facing him...a choclaty cake was smash onto my face...by the person who i THOUGHT was the quite one... Soon after...the duo came...and american gangster wanabe and a mexican gangster wanabe... my ITE friends...WOW

Honestly..It was awesome..how everything went into play...right under my nose..without me even realising it happening to me... KUDOS! a hell of suprise...I had fun..it was awesome..playing games..laughing like old times...playing new games...awesome...To the people who was there to celebrate my little bdae..I would like to thank you all for wasting ur time on me...
Qader, Nisah, Adib, Yadi, Hisham, Amy, Fuad, Shaz, Naz and ofcourse my 1 and only best friend..Din...I appreciate all of you for your time to make this pathetic boy into a man...ahaha..k crap..really..appreciate it alot

I guess my 21st bday wasn't dull 1 bit...this is a part of history that will be craved inside my heart for eternity..I am blessed by friends like this

Other then that...something happened at work..i was alone..alot of time to think...WTF...why now? I shall not exagarate more.

Oni

2009-12-03T22:18:00.000-08:00

Changes...Changes in life... 1989....superb songs, superb people, not yet influenced by media, no propaganda. Songs are real. People are real. No clashes in culture. Equality to all.

1999... Songs are still real..people start to discriminate..influence slightly by media...propaganda brought in

2009... songs....songs dissing other songs...sex...drug...killing...is songs now.. Trying to break an imaginary system... that was never there in the 1st place... culture is cool without knowing what the culture really is... Dissing other culture without realising, that is the culture that influence their culture... People become more black hearted... people starting to discriminate and policy of hypocrisy put it....media is the alpha male...wat media say...is wat we do... Raping is normal, molesting yg kids is normal... WTF is wrong with this world

Our world is dying and the people who are to blame is us

Just a random tings that came to my mind when i woke up dis morning...wat? watcha gona do? sue me?

Oni

2009-12-01T11:43:00.000-08:00

0350 hours on 02/12/09.... eyes tired...yet not sleeping...updating this blog...just ripped songs in the compt...wat songs? Shattered Skies of course. I miss those times..putting me back to memory lane.. I remb someone once told me....he rembered being 21...it was the best time of his life...im getting to it...if this keeps up...it's going to be a dry 21..ahah

Listening to ametuar level songs which is kinda interesting cause I can relate...duh~ its my band's song..ahahah... totaly waste of time blogging...so watcha gona do? sue me?

Oni

2009-11-29T08:49:00.000-08:00

I use to remember the time where moshing was real, body surfing n stuff. U.S really kill the world, it kill many things in life, hardcore dance and shit. I grabbed someone leg and throw him on the floor before for just doing a stupid flying kick in the crowd. I kick someone on the chest before for just running around punching through air and crowds. I will not fail to repeat my actions once more if someone hardcore dance towards me. Its great to know I'm not the only one who share this hate towards this. Where is the real moshing. I wouldn't know. Its been a while since I go to any performance, wonder if they are still doing this shit.

Oni

2009-11-27T09:26:00.000-08:00

Lying on the bed awakened by morning breeze and sounds
Awakening your body from a hard night of sleep
Few hours wasted on your slumber
Eyes still very heavy

I won't lose you anymore, I learn my lesson, you will always be here with me. Your every movement will be noticed by me. Im the shadow that lurks your every movement. I'm the entity that live in your dreams. Im the soul that will embrace you inside out. I'm the person who will be there for you.

Sound's emo eh..but cant be blame..I LOVE MY RING! ahah...it's just a ring to you but it's been with me for 4 years now. I am attached to it as it is attached to me. Wat u gona do? sue me?

Oni

2009-11-27T02:10:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since i felt it rest upon my finger.
The comfort when it squeeze my left index.
A symbol that was lost from me.
I rejoice upon holding it in my hands once more.

A lost 3 layered silver ring that was bought at e-bay was found by my niece..ahah..coolness...

Oni

2009-11-26T09:51:00.000-08:00

My eyes is playing tricks with me again, slightly opened door moved slowly closed, and slightly open, shadowy figure seen, light flickering, no wind, stuffy....what have I done to my health? Slight feeling of heavy chest, heart beating fast endlessly, eyes tired, hallucinating the slightest movement, mind going in endless circles.

If you (Im refering to no one cause no one is reading) notice, I never talk about my life here...do i? aniwaes, fact number 1, no man and woman, perhaps very few, will waste their time to go to a guys blog, while many strangers of random man and/or woman will go to a lady's blog. Fact number 2, who cares about my life? I rather just say random stuff, that is my life. Fact number 3, I am still finding myself and have no time to think and blog of what just happen a few hours ago of my life. No one going to read it animore, but what am I going to do? Sue you?

Oni

2009-11-26T01:51:00.000-08:00

You may say
What you want to say
Nothing is important
Words will be words
Trust me when I say
As long as my heart is true
All their words are immune
No one will know
This secret i hold
I bring it down to the grave
This silence I keep
I will never share
What I have gone through

WTF was that about? Does it make sense? What you gona do? sue me?

Oni

2009-11-26T00:03:00.000-08:00

Truth is disturbing, truth is sad.
Truth is anoying, truth is dead.

As long with walk this earth, there will never be true peace.

Oni

2009-11-25T02:39:00.000-08:00

Evening and it's still bright. I miss how the sky look down on me. I forget how beautiful the sky is, darkness, bright light and a ray of hope. I miss the sounds of multiple random people walking pass, as they talk, gossip and a slight sound of music that could be heard on their mp3. The sound of total silence after a loud noise has been heard, the ringing silence that go buzzing on your ear drum. I miss the chilling fear that embrace me in the middle of the night as I sense something from behind silently stares and move slowly but swiftly through my blind spot. I miss the sense of tingling sensation from fear as your leg shivers to the core of your spine, as you embrace nature's route to your heart, it feel's as if you are born to do it. I miss how small things in life, fascinates me, like how tears drip for hours, yet no sense of thirst could be felt. How it feels like, when a stranger just smile and show a gesture of appreciation when you assisted to open the door for that random entity.

P.S Handling a Senile old man is the worst person you can handle. I am not talking about taking care or family members.

Oni

2009-11-23T23:34:00.000-08:00

A difference can be felt. Same body with a different soul. Every inch of source of my daily reminder of what I really am or at least use to be, disappeared.

Where is my heart. Why can't I find any motivation in this. My thoughts, my everything, where have it gone to. Please someone enlighten me, why can't i feel real anymore.

What have I done to myself. This isn't how it suppose to be. God have not forsake me, no one have forsake me, I have forsaken myself. Does it make sense?

Save me from me. Show me one more time. Whats it like to be me. I lost myself way to many times. I forget how to be me.

Can I just hide in the corner? Not coming out. When I am finally gone, No one will ever realise I was here in the first place. When I come back, now one will ever know.

Am i turning weak? Weak hearted? Have I given up from this world's never ending hatred. Have I given up from disease called human?

Change the world? Help others? Truth be told, I cant help myself. Why am I feeling weak?

Oni

2009-11-15T08:48:00.001-08:00

Aniways, yesterday went out with din and the gang to sentosa. Damn, it was a blast. Singing short songs, playing games, have a swim in the ocean..wahaha..step ocean.. go bury nisa in the sand and make an ultraman warrior with sand..well..it was great...to bad nt everyone can be there...o well...den went to seol garden...ahah..to eat...by then our strengt increase by one as izzat join us after work...wooo..eat n eat...well aniwaes...

Well aniways, here's a very corny story that many might have heard but im gona tell it anyways

There was once a peacock, who thinks to highly of itself.. delusional, self centered and dishonest to make it be number 1. It will show it's beautifull feather to everyone, as if it's an angel. When it get injured, it will delibaratly exagarate every single fact of it, even when it was'nt injured,just to be pitied and loved. One day, the peacock saw a lake whose beauty is amazing. However, it is most interestend in the water that reflect's itself, it was so obsess with itself that it felt in the water and drowned. Drowned with it's real sorrow. Drowned with its delusional. It who clings to everyone so much and cannot live on its own. The peacock was saved, however it tell everyone of how the lake was cursed and dammed despite it's own action that cause it's own tragedy. The peacock have not learn anything from its tragedy.

What's the motive of this story, does it even have an end? does it even have a meaning? Well, sometimes, a story have no end, yet have a meaning, a lesson is not learn at the end of the class but infact the journey of the end of class. well so wats the lesson of this story? go figure it out...watcha gona do? sue me?

O yea, someone tinks im a hate tagger..wahahahahah

Oni

2009-11-13T11:51:00.001-08:00

Recently I heard there's a tag in you know who's blog. Much appreciate for sharing the thoughts but then again, please let her be. She does not know much of what we know. Let's just say, the world don't revolve around anybody, especially you know how. One who feel that way, deserve a kick in the face, atleast for some, while others, let them try to find happiness living in denial and lies. Either way, it doesn't matter to me, all i know, a huge burden have left my shoulder, no more trouble mind, no more shit for me, no more liars to be heard, no self centered being to protect. Above all, I would like to give my greatest and most humble apology for whom may feel abandoned or ignored due to avoidance of fights, not saying there is no fight at all. Some people are best left for nature to take it's cause, as for me my friends, brethren, know that my life have been bright and my heart is once more clear from chains wraped around this untainted weight that drain my every being, mind and heart down n down.

Someone told me, I am in my glory peak and I will fall one day, and there will be no glory peak anymore for me. For that, I laughed, what a joke. Life's a joke isn't it? If this was my glory peak, then I more sadder from the person who come out with this theory. Hopping, praying and begging that this is my glory peak, won't change any fact. I will fall one day but the day won't be today. My glory peak is way back, back, back together with my best friend, good friends, and yes we fell hard, however, we never fail to climb up back. So I am sorry, facts remain, you know best, but then again, you can always lie to yourself and everyone around you. This is not the first time either, you are use to it.

Anyways, back to my life...hmm..right now, Din is sleeping and I cant seem to sleep yet, so im blogging...i guess.. blogging is cool! everyone's doing it!Well aniways, we are having this slumber party, we talk on the phone, read teen magazines, gossiping and talking about cute guys that show up on the TV.
So just now went to karaoke,karaoke? Me? What a joke, someone whose tone is no differ then a broken clock, it never goes up, it never goes down, stagnant. That explain's me not singing at all...o well..mayb, just mayb, perhaps im not saying i would, by chance, by any way, by fate, mayb, im just saying mayb, im not it will happen, sing the next time, which i still doubt so.
Sentosa later? Im treating lucnh? anybody? o well..ahah..cheers...wat u gona do? sue me?

Oni

2009-11-09T22:34:00.000-08:00

Life have been great. I have beautiful friends. They never stop being there for me. All of you. I thank you all for everything.

Just a thought

We are but flesh and bone
No different then the rest
Our soul is still on loan
This never ending test

Knowledge is power
Knowledge is curse
Knowing the truth
Knowing to much

Truth be told
We don't need any more philosopher and scientist
We don't need any more peace talk that leads to war
We don't need any more war for the sake of peace
We don't need any more hippies in this world

Those who throw beautiful words of love and peace, in the end ruin the world
Hippies sprout out love and peace, what really happen is casual sex and drugs
Things we can do without
Things that was abolish long time ago.
Things that is killing this world
Things that stain our heart

Who is to blame for this
Who is to blame for humanity's sins
Truth be told
The person to be blame, is the same person who you see in the mirror
We who watch and do nothing, as the strong rage thoughts of selfish needs